Sunday, October 18, 2009

A Writer and a Gentleman

I have been spending at least one day per week working on my laptop writing essays for my blog — BDGJM. I have many times sought the counsel of fellow writers or done some research in how to deal with writer's block. Simply put, writer's block is the inability of a writer to produce new work. This has frustrated some writers to the point that they stop writing for long stretches of time or permanently. Fortunately, for me, the block is only temporarily frustrating (but nonetheless VERY frustrating).

A lot of times, the hardest part is actually opening up the word processor to get started. If I already have a topic in mind, the words can flow like a river. When I am blocked, I have to let my warped mind jog around the mental track and see where it goes. This can be even more frustrating sometimes because I hate jogging. I tend to associate it with the training I went through in the Navy. So, in my mind, Louis Gossett, Jr. shows up wearing his Gunnery Sergeant uniform.

I stand there as he gives his introduction: "You are coming to me because YOU want to be a humor writer. I am an Oscar winner for Best Actor in a Supporting Role. I am going to use any means, fair and unfair, to trip you up". Then he stands before me eye to eye. "Are you eyeballing me, boy?" No sir; I am not eyeballing you. "Did you just call me a ewe? A ewe is a female sheep. ARE YOU LOOKING TO WRITE A ROMANCE NOVEL, MACK-UH-FEEEEEE?" NO SIR! "Better watch your step, Mack-uh FEEEEEE. Ain't no virus program to protect you from ME!" I try to catch my breath and stay focused.

Then, the drilling starts. "OK Mack-uh-FEEEEEE, let's see how your mind works. You answer my questions and spit them right out." YES SIR! "Give me the quadratic formula." x = -b ± ( (b²-4ac)/2a) SIR! "Factual, but not funny Mack-uh-FEEEEEE. Just give up now." I'M NOT GONNA QUIT! "Who was born Nathan Birnbaum?" George Burns and Nathan Birnbaum, SIR! "Is that the best you got, Mack-uh-FEEEEEE? Tell me the three greatest disasters in human history." The release of "Enemy Mine", "Iron Eagle 2", and "Iron Eagle 3" SIR! "OHHHHHHHHHH! You MUST be a humor writer. You've got JOKES all of a sudden!" I can tell by the gleam in his eye I have gained his respect; but he's not going to tell me that.

The words begin to flow and the work gets finished. I stand before him and hand him the essay. He gives me a sharp salute. "Congratulations, Humor Writer McAfee." Thank you, sir. "Gunnery Sergeant, Humor Writer McAfee." I'll never forget you. "I know that. Now, get out of here." I then walk up to my wife and pick her up and carry her off. I have no idea where we are going but that's okay. Don't over think and spoil the moment. My wife takes off my Atlanta Braves hat and puts it on her head. Suddenly, I can see a British blues rock singer going into numerous contortions as he sings a love ballad with what's-her-name.

The End

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