My Awards Speech (Just in Case)

I really like watching awards shows. Sometimes it doesn't even matter what kind of awards they are. They could be movie awards. They could be TV show awards. They could be awards for written works such as plays or books. They could be music awards. Well, actually, I might have to split some hairs there. There are WAY too many music awards shows. These include but are not limited to the following: American Music Awards, Grammy Awards, and MTV Video Music Awards (which is audacious given that they haven't played any music in at least 10 years). I have even been known to watch award shows for commercials (which is challenging because it's hard to tell when you can go to the bathroom).

Awards shows have some historic moments. I have made no bones about the fact that I am not a huge fan of soap operas. Nonetheless, it was beyond cool to watch the Daytime Emmy Awards in 1999. Shemar Moore stood at the microphone and opened the envelope and yelled "THE STREAK IS OVER! SUSAN LUCCI!" Susan Lucci had been nominated 19 consecutive times and had finally won. I enjoyed watching Michael Bolton accept his Emmy. That was a very noteworthy moment. Michael Bolton has recorded numerous cover songs. These covers range from a soulful recording of "(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay" to an insulting interpretation of "Georgia on My Mind". But on that night, Bolton got an Emmy award for a song HE WROTE. It's a shame he never got the hint. Mind you, Mr. Bolton has won other awards since then. I doubt my opinion will cause him to lose any sleep (or royalties).

Then, of course, there are the speeches. We have cherished the moment when Sally Field enjoyed the fact that we really, really, really liked her (which is actually a legendary misquote). I was ecstatic to watch Cuba Gooding, Jr. literally do acrobatic stunts and tell everyone within the sound of his voice: "I LOVE YOU!" Then there was that poignant Grammy Speech by Bob Dylan when he said…actually I have never been able to make out a blessed thing he has EVER said.

Now is the time for me to be honest with myself. Sometimes, I would like to have the experience of making an acceptance speech. I guess it is just a fascination with the idea of such public acceptance (because a handpicked committee of judges has told the public that my work is acceptable). The reality is that my writing is not intended to set the world on fire. I will probably never even be present at an awards show for my writing unless I happen to be the guy printing up the tickets that year. But, just in case, I have included below my award acceptance speech. Give me a second please to find that napkin I had in my coat pocket. AH, there it is.

My Award Speech (Just in Case)

Thank you all very much for that warm (pre-recorded) round of applause. It is truly an honor to be, not just nominated, but standing here today accepting the award for Best Use of Parenthetically Enclosed Phrases (and Bulleted Lists). There are many people for me to acknowledge and thank. I wish to apologize, in advance, for anyone I unintentionally omitted. For anyone I have intentionally omitted, if I went on any further you would not be omitted (DUH!).

• I'd like to thank my dearly departed mother — Norma Jean McAfee. You are the greatest steel magnolia to bloom from God's garden. While my writing did not truly kick into motion before you passed, your influence is in every piece I have written. Thanks for not becoming a nun all those years ago.
  
• I'd like to thank my father — Lawrence Hugh McAfee. Thank you for all your encouragement over the years. Your gift of warped humor and sideline sarcasm has clearly been inherited (by my four children).
  
• I'd like to thank my wife Renee and my kids: Thomas, Shayna, Brianna, and Caleb — Thank you for all the times you told me you liked my writing (and all the times you told me you didn't). Thank you also for all the times you pointed out typographical and spelling errors (often after I have already posted it on the Web).
  
• To my former English teachers: Sandra Bath and Mary Thomas Arbee; and to the great guru of grammar Mignon Fogarty (aka Grammar Girl) — Thanks to all three of you for introducing me to a world of great writers and proper writing. I'd also like to apologize to all three of you for giving the appearance that I've apparently not learned a thing from any of you.
  
• To everyone has followed my blog and continues to do so: Thank you very much. It is a pleasure to share my work with people who obviously have exhausted any other form of possible entertainment.
  
• To a person I consider to be a mentor and a friend: Kevin Cummings………..
  

Oh, I am SO sorry they are asking me to wrap it up and I can barely hear myself over this infernal orchestra. Oh but I have to be sure and thank [segues immediately to a commercial].

Well, there you have it folks. Thanks for indulging me. This way, if the napkin winds up in the laundry, I won't feel so bad.