This Is Some Heavy Reading

It’s not a big secret to those who know me well that my weight is something that I have battled with for about 25 years now. Well, perhaps battle is not the most accurate term. After all, the word battle implies that one has put up some kind of a fight. There have been times over the years where I have faced someone or something in an effort to protect my family from harm. After all, that is what any decent father or husband would do. It is ironic then that this same type of fortitude and tenacity has been temporary at best and absent at worst as it pertained to my weight. Pound by pound, I let it slowly creep into my life and did little to nothing to stop it.

I think part of it was by allowing myself to use euphemisms to label the issue. When it first began, I referred to my gut as a spare tire or perhaps even a pot belly. This is probably largely due to the fact that I pride myself on having a sense of humor and such terms add levity to the situation. I can even remember at one time referring to my weight as a bulge in my equator. Well, over the years my equator shifted resulting in a total eclipse of my toes. Yes, even now, I use some levity because that is just part of my personality. Well, the reality is that what I have is morbid obesity. This means that I am at least 100 lbs. above my ideal weight for my height.

This condition has not come without expense to me. For example, I can buy myself a nice outfit that fits me properly and may even look very nice on me. Still, not matter how properly the garments fit or well well I dress, I will still look like a morbidly obese man. Personally, with the exception of my wife, I couldn’t care less of someone else’s opinion about my appearance. Still, when I look in the mirror, I truly dislike what I see.

The other expense is the potential damage my weight brings to my health. I already have hereditary risk factors for heart problems and diabetes. I also have high blood pressure (controlled by medication). My weight increases that risk tremendously. In addition, being so obese is truly hard on the bones. Without the proper muscle tone, a body is just not designed to carry such weight without risk to the knees and back. This goes hand in hand with an increased risk of injury. It’s true. Those that are bigger DO fall harder.

Quite possibly the hardest consequence for me to accept is the development of sleep apnea. This means that I can literally have episodes where I stop breathing while I sleep. This results in increased health risks, a chronic feeling of fatigue (due to the lack of quality sleep), sore throats (due to the harsh snoring), and looks of worry on the faces of your family (due to the fact that they actually witness these episodes of apnea).

There is some relief to be provided from this oxygen deprived, brain addled state. I can use a machine that will force humidified air into my airway via Controlled Proximal Airway Pressure (CPAP). This machine is not free and covered 50% by my insurance. It makes me look like a SCUBA diver on a mattress. It does truly provide relief  though. While this is a better way, it is not without it’s trappings. Gone are the days of taking catnaps on the couch. If I travel somewhere requiring an overnight stay, the CPAP machine has to travel with me. I fly to Georgia once a year. This means I have to take the CPAP machine through the security check and the machine requires extra scanning by security.

My only consolation is that I KNOW there is some hope. Several doctors over the years have told me that with significant weight loss, I could very possibly become independent of the CPAP machine as the weight loss could resolve my sleep apnea. The weight loss could also reduce or eliminate the need for medicine to control my high blood pressure. The reality check in that glimmer of hope is that it would require a loss of at least 60 – 70 lbs.

Given that I think of myself as a humor writer, my readers may find it curious that I would write about all this. First of all, writing about it and publishing it helps hold me accountable. Secondly, I hope and pray that anyone in a similar issue will do what it takes to resolve it. Consult your physician. Get into a weight loss program or a gym membership. I hope and pray that, in short time, we are all in better states of health not just living life to the fullest but living it for as long as possible.

Sometimes, Stress Is Good?

I had the joy of visiting my doctor recently. During this visit, we got caught up the state of my mind and body since I had last seen my doctor some 8 months previously. She commented about my weight and asked if I felt that the reading was accurate. I made a comment that scales don't lie (in an effort to dismiss the subject). Her next question had the subtlety of 100 grit sandpaper: "Have you noticed your clothes have begun to fit more tightly?" My wife nodded in silent agreement. I felt like I was at a parent teacher conference being called out for passing notes in class. Except in this case, I was being called out for repeatedly asking someone to pass the gravy.

Along with this pleasant topic of conversation, my doctor made some adjustments in my medications. In the interest of being through, my doctor also scheduled me for a cardiac stress test. I have some mild anxiety over this forthcoming test but I was usually able to divert myself with other things: work, watching the Braves lose the wildcard playoffs after a good season, learning new chords on the mandolin, or preparing for two upcoming midterm exams. OK, maybe that last one wasn't the best way to avoid stress. Getting an F on one of these midterms is more stressful. After all, this will require that my wife and kids will have to meet with my teachers. I'd prefer not to be the only grounded parent in my neighborhood. In the days that followed, my wife caught a terrible cold. I did my best to keep my distance while proving her with a never ending supply of cold medicine and cough drops. My room reeked of eucalyptus. I had koala bears knocking on my door at 3 in the morning begging me to hook them up.

The day before the stress test, my wife got a phone call from the office performing the test. They said I could not eat for 4 hours prior to the test and I could not take my blood pressure medicine. I don't know about you but it was beginning to sound like they were stacking the deck against me. I was sure that any minute they were also going to feed me a fried bologna sandwich and make me sit in a sauna for 20 minutes before the test. This didn't happen which was sad. I rather enjoy fried bologna.

A cardiac stress test involves attaching enough wires to your body to become an antenna for the nearest college radio station then briskly walking on a treadmill. You start at a nice pace with no incline. As the walk continues, they increase the speed and the incline. During all of this, a nurse has a blood pressure cuff wrapped around your arm. This requires a lot of talent considering that you are walking and wired for sound (I think I hear the B-52's playing). So every minute or so, the nurse will say "30 more seconds on this level". Then, as you make your way up this imaginary hill and you feel as if your face will explode, the nurse inflates the blood pressure cuff on your arm to get another reading. I can only describe this part of the experience by saying I think I know what it feels like to be a zit.

The speed and incline got me to where I felt like I was racing my way to claim a prize at the top of Stone Mountain. It would have been true as I was really getting an urge for that fried bologna sandwich. The routine continued: "30 more seconds, Shane", another blood pressure reading, and my head feels like Mount Saint Helens. At this point, the treadmill slows down and the incline levels off. The nurse then takes off the leads which held the monitor wires (Darn, I was really digging that song). It is at this point that I should delicate point out that I am, shall we say, hirsute (i.e. hairy as an ape). I didn't really think of the repercussions at the beginning as the nurse was strategically shaving areas of my chest to place the leads. Now that the leads were off, I looked like aliens have made crop circles on my chest.

I left the office with my wife and I treated her to breakfast. Now, I know what you are thinking. So, let me just set the record straight. I DID NOT HAVE a fried bologna sandwich. After breakfast, I went home to relax and prepare for a midterm that was taking place that evening. As the day went on, I began to notice that my very generous wife had something waiting for me once I got home. She had given me her cold. Man, I had JUST gotten rid of those koalas, too.

A (Hopefully) Healthy Helping of News (As Published by HumorPress.Com)

Recently, news has hit our country warning us of a new flu virus. The virus is called H1N1 or the swine flu. The term, swine flu, originates from the fact that the genes in this virus are very similar to influenza viruses found in pigs in North America. Sadly, many pigs who contract this virus never recover. This is due to the fact that most pigs rebuff doctor’s orders to get rest, get plenty of fluids, and take prescribed medication. Most pigs, instead, choose to continue their diet of trash and carrion as well as playing in mud. Swine are nothing if not strong-willed.

There have been many consequences of the swine flu hitting our country. The travel industry has taken a hit. Many have been leery of consuming pork. On top of all of this, parents are afraid to play “This Little Piggy” with their children out of fear of contracting the virus. Even in my workplace, signs began cropping up in the restrooms reminding one and all the rules of basic hygiene. I find this disturbing for several reasons. Why, pray tell, does such signage only go up during a health crisis? Why is it that grown adults need to be reminded to wash their hands and cover their mouths whenever they cough or sneeze? Why is it that these rules only apply in the restrooms? Surely, one is not to start coughing and sneezing willy-nilly with unclean hands the minute they leave a public restroom.  Speaking of public restrooms, why is it that only the employees of stores and restaurants are reminded to wash their hands before leaving said restrooms?

Now, I come to the reason behind this writing. I believe that BDGJM is not only in place to entertain but also to inform. I would like to provide for you the following list of influenza strains that have cropped up in recent years. In addition to swine flu or H1N1, there are the following:

·         There are several strains of NE1 strains including:

o   C4NE1 - This strain results from exposure to certain plastics. C4NE1 hits sufferers hard with explosive symptoms.

o   10SNE1 - This flu strain tends to hit athletic types who are members of a home owner's association (HOA). Rumors that the strain is contracted via the alligator sewn onto the sufferer's knit shirt have been proven to be an urban myth.

o   NE1NE1 - This flu strain leaves suffers with a feeling of extreme solitude.

·         A1H57 - A flu strain contracted due to exposure to certain steak sauces. Vegetarians rarely, if ever, contract this strain.

·         B9V8 - A non-life threatening strain brought on by consuming vegetable juices. Contrary to A1H57, this strain is widespread among vegetarians while very few butchers suffer from it.

·         CBGB1234 - This is a very mild strain contracted by overexposure to 1970's punk rock music. Rest in a quiet peaceful environment can provide relief in as little as ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR days.

·         D2R2 - This flu strain causes an insatiable desire to watch classic sci-fi movies in reverse. Good, restful sleep is recommended. Popular home remedies include taking herbal melatonin or viewing "Terms of Endearment".

·         F1F12 - This flu strain has manifest itself primarily in people working in the information technology (IT) industry. This strain is passed to sufferers via the uppermost computer keyboard "hotkeys".  Treatment for F1F12 can be treated in the same manner as a normal influenza strain. Some, however, use a medication called C-A-F8. C-A-F8 provides sufferers with a controlled, alternative, safe mode of recovering from this virus.

It is my fervent hope that, upon review of the aforementioned strains, the world is a more informed place. So please, I ask of you; wash your hands, cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze, and pass this information along to your friends and loved ones.  As always, consult with your doctor if you have any concerns. BDGJM is not a substitute for proper medical care. Four out of five doctors dismiss medical information provided by the writer of a humor blog. I do hope, however, that you have a laugh or two from this writing as you sit in the waiting room with a bunch of sick folks.