Praise Her from the Rooftop (But Watch Your Mouth)

Often in my writing, I tend to throw a quotation from a historical figure, or an old friend, or my Dad. I have been recently been reminded of two that I have had to utilize in a way that I did not anticipate in nearly 16 years of marriage:

• "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." – Abraham Lincoln.
  
• "A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards." – Proverbs 29:11
  

For the past two years, my wife has been involved in an exercise regimen at a local fitness center (actually a "wellness center" but I won't go down that bunny trail again). Like many, she has fallen off the proverbial horse only to get back on and kick it harder. She has made tremendous strides and I am very proud of her. The problem is that with every milestone she hits, the muscles of my restraint are tested to the breaking point.

It all started innocently enough today. My wife comes home from the gym…umm…fitness…that is…wellness center. She then goes into her post-exercise ritual. She pulls at the elastic waistband on her gym clothes (or is it wellness center apparel?). She stretches the waistband about a foot from her body. At this point, she reminds me that when she first bought those pants, they fit like a tourniquet and made her eyes pop out like she was Marty Feldman. Next, she steps on the scale. She screams with the enthusiastic glee of a schoolgirl watching her favorite teenybopper star on TV. Now, I am no proverbial fool. I will not disclose the reading. Let's just say she has lost more than 50 lbs. and it shows.

So far through these rituals, I believe I have acted with kindness and support. That was until she whipped out two more items: a "Body Composition Profile" and a tape measure. She begins measuring various parts of her body and recording the results. She begins to measure her waist and asked me to read the measurements. I began laughing because she was using the metric side. I pointed this out to her because I didn't really want to state that her waist size was 124. Unfortunately, the laughter wore on my restraint. She asked me to read the measurement of upper arm. I looked at the measurement and said "Lessee now, if you carry the 6…." She then asked me to surf the net for a body mass index (BMI) scale. I asked her if she needed standard, metric, or Kelvin. Mind you the question made no sense and it got dirty stares from my wife and daughter. Nonetheless, it made me laugh. I gave her the reading from the BMI scale. She then recorded this result in her Body Composition Profile. Her girlish joy returns as she read the profile's results: "I'VE GONE FROM BEING OVER FAT TO FAT". Now, I am trying to be supportive but I cannot control my laughter. I try to picture the average husband looking his wife in the eye and saying the following: "Baby, you look great. This week you're fat. At the rate you're going, you'll just be fatter than average in two weeks". Such an utterance can only lead to the husband winding up in the doghouse. The dog will glance at him and ask "So, what are YOU in for? I chewed up her running shoes."

In the end , I managed to get through this ordeal without my wife thinking I was a cretin. It is with this in mind I address husbands worldwide. Gentlemen, if you wife takes (or has taken) such a venture, be supportive and encouraging. The trick is in being careful about HOW you support and encourage. I'll leave you with a final quote from Shakespeare's Henry IV, Part One: "The better part of valour is discretion; in the which better part I have saved my life".

AWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

Since the beginning of time, men have been performing feats and uttering phrases to impress women. While it is true that we (er…I mean they) do such things for a variety of reasons: affection, approval, another reason that would make this more alliterative but I can’t think of one; the truth is there is another driving factor. Yes, it is true that we (sorry…again, I mean they) do enjoy a friendly kiss on the cheek, a glowing smile, and a blushing expression of thanks. The truth is that men are looking to elicit a specific response — AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

This starts very early in development. A little boy will enthusiastically walk into his house and present his mother with flowers. She immediately responds: “AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!” This makes the little boy’s day. It is clear that he did well to go to the old lady’s yard next door and acquire the same old lady’s prize winning flowers.

This develops even more when it is time for the now teenage boy’s first dance. He nervously walks into this date’s house and is greeted by the young lady’s parents. The young lad’s date enters the room looking more beautiful than anything his teenage eyes have ever witnessed. He then presents his lovely date with a corsage that his Dad was kind enough to pick up for him on the way home from work. The young lovely lass (and her mother) both exclaim: “AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!” Then he hears an additional response he has not previously heard: “That’s soooooooooo sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!!” The young man knows he has done very, very well for himself.

The young man then grows into adulthood by the time he finds out that (according to Newton’s Law) there is an equally opposite response— the crash and burn. I’ll give you an example. Shortly after my wife and I first met, she was wearing this lovely floral dress. She had also just had her hair done. Looking at her made my heart flutter. I wanted to tell her how nice she looked. However, due to some apparent faulty wiring in my brain, I said: “I’m impressed”. I heard the sound of a B-1 bomber crashing into the ground. In spite of this, she married me two years later.

Let us now fast forward to our ninth wedding anniversary when I was purchasing some flowers. I explained to the cashier that my wife and I had four kids. Therefore, I was purchasing four bouquets. The plan was simple. As each of our four kids got off the bus from school, they would enter the house and present her with a bouquet and wish her a happy anniversary. Suddenly, a chorus of women throughout the store sang in perfect unison: “AWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!” I have overheard my wife tell that story to other women and get the same response.

The bouquet incident has inspired an idea. What if they came up with a device where I (again...I mean other guys) could tell if they were going to get the AWWWWWW response BEFORE they purchased an item. I now present to you my proposed infomercial for the AWWW Meter.

[Fade into interior of brightly lit department store. Two young men (late 20’s/early 30’s) are at adjacent checkout lanes. Both of the cashiers are young females.]

[Pan camera to cashier on the left. Customer 1 is wearing a sweater vest with a tie and tan khaki pants. He has brought to the checkout line: four bouquets of flowers, a bottle of wine, and 2 DVD’s}

Cashier 1: Well it looks like someone is setting the night up for romance.

Customer 1: Yeah, I’m a bit embarrassed actually. I am buying last minute stuff for my wedding anniversary. My wife and I have been married for 4 years today. So I got [shows each item to the camera as he lists them] 4 bouquets of flowers, a bottle of white wine, and her two favorite movies: “An Affair to Remember” and “Sleepless in Seattle”.

Both Cashiers [in unison]: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! THAT’S SO SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!! [Both giving a glowing look at Customer 1]

[Customer1 smiles proudly]

[Pan camera to face Customer 2 and Cashier 2]

Cashier 2: Well, it looks like somebody has a relaxing night planned.

Customer 2: Yup, I have been planning this night for days. It’s my wife’s birthday. So I got [showing each item to camera]: a six pack of beer, a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips, and this DVD of “9 ½ Weeks”. [Smiles proudly]

Both Cashiers: [in unison] OH, NOOOOOOOOO YOU DIDN’T!!!!!!!!!! [Both cashiers give a clearly disgusted look to Customer 2].

[Customer 2 quickly loses his smile and looks confused]

[Both Customers and Cashiers stop movement to imply a freeze frame but the characters should obviously fidget and blink ever so slightly].

Narrator: Has THIS ever happened to YOU? You go to make a special purchase for the special lady only to wind up in an ego-deflating crash and burn that puts you on the couch for a week. Well, my friend, that problem is gone FOREVER.

Customer 2: But HOW?

Narrator: I’m glad you asked, my clueless friend. What YOU need is The AWWW Meter.

Customer 2 and Both Cashiers: [in unison] THE AWWW METER??

Narrator: That’s right, The AWWW Meter. It looks just like a ball point pen. But it’s much more than that.

[Zoom to an unidentified hand demonstrating the product]

Simply take the AWWW Meter and point to the bar code of whatever you are looking to buy for your special lady. Click the top like a pen and a laser scans the bar code and performs a lightning quick analysis. The AWWW Meter will then give you the results. The meter can give you a good response.

[Off-screen hand scans a bouquet of flowers with the meter]

[Off-screen voice emanates from the meter]: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! YOU’RE SO SWEEEEEEET!!!!!

Narrator: …or it can let you know are a bit off with your selection

[Off-screen hand scans an iron with the meter]

[Off-screen voice emanates from the meter]: OH, NOOOOOOOOO YOU DIDN’T!!!!!!!!!!

Narrator: So, with the AWWW Meter. You can get a present for that special lady without winding up in court dividing your assets.

Customer2: That’s great. Where can I get one?

Narrator: The AWWW meter can be purchased at your nearest convenience store, hardware store, or sporting goods outlet or you can dial 1-877-AWM-ETER and pay just $19.95 plus shipping and handling with your major credit card. Operators are standing by.

[Flash phone and price on screen with a blinking notice that operators are standing by].

[Both Customers and Both Cashiers give a bright sugary smile]

Customer 2: Wow, thanks. I’ll never make THIS mistake again.

[Fade to dim lighting]

[Scroll the disclaimer from the bottom of the screen to the top]

Narrator [speaking rapidly]: Never shine the AWWW Meter into someone’s eyes. The AWWW Meter may be confiscated by airport personnel. The AWWW Meter is not liable for loss sustained by the user due to misuse. The losses include: Attorney fees, therapy fees, temporary restraining orders of protection, and emergency room visits. You must be 18 or older to purchase the AWWW Meter. Void where prohibited by law.

[Fade to black]

So there you have my hypothetical creation that could prevent men everywhere from facing the crash and burn. I hope my wife reads this. Her eyes look so beautiful when the monitor shines in her eyes (You just said it didn’t you ladies?)